An open letter to my Son on your first Birthday…

Dear Son,

One day, when you’re much older, I’ll tell you a story about your Grandpa Gary.

I’ll tell you about the day he passed away and how it forever changed the entire course of my life. I’ll explain to you that losing him finally gave me the courage to go and live my most authentic life. I had never realized I was asleep and barely living before that day.

Son, what you don’t know yet is, had I not lost my Dad that day, you wouldn’t be here, and when I look at you now, I know YOU were meant to be my baby.

It took me experiencing the greatest loss of my life thus far to also get to experience the greatest joy I’ve ever known—YOU.

And it’s all so bittersweet.

And one day I’ll tell you about how I met your father and how he saved my life—both literally and figuratively. I’ll tell you stories about how he taught me to live, to love hard and to be FEARLESS. I’m so grateful for your Dad because without him I wouldn’t have YOU.

As strange as it sounds, I’m even grateful for all the loss I’ve experienced. Losing two parents so suddenly, so close together taught me the true meaning of life, and every time I look in your eyes, I know I was placed on this earth to be your Momma!

You are a miracle, my son, a true miracle.

Since the day you arrived, your father and I have been told by multiple doctors how lucky we are to have you. And we’re not just lucky because we were blessed with a baby but because I inherited the same gene mutations that took your Grandpa Gary’s life. The same gene mutation that apparently causes most women to not carry a baby full term let alone get pregnant at all.

So as you lay here next to me peaceful and asleep, my heart overflows with love and happiness. I’m so grateful for this journey I’ve been on—the good, the bad, the indifferent. While my heart hurts that you’ll never meet your Grandparents that passed, I feel like they’re always watching over you and that makes you LUCKY!

My dear Son, I promise to be the best version of myself, FOR YOU, as often as I humanly can. I promise to teach you, to guide you, to show the world and to ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

I never knew this kind of love existed until I met you.

Forever,

Your Mom

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